There and back again, and possibly there and back again, again

I've just come back from a wonderful visit with my Midwife's intern.  I'm so grateful for the way my health care is set up.  One visit, I visit with midwife and the next visit I visit with one of my best friends who is going to school to be a midwife.  She is co-managing my prenatal care since my midwife lives so far away.

Within the last few hours I have been there and back again. 

When I first found out I was pregnant a third time, I decided not to go the route of a midwife.  I had learned with my first experience with a midwife that I was not midwife patient material.  And that is when I began my journey.  With Gwenevere's birth.  There were only a few choices in prenatal care, choice 1 don't get prenatal care, choice 2 get prenatal care from the one and only doctor or close by 3. get prenatal care by driving around the island to another doctor.  Since option 2 was retiring and would not be in practice when Gwenevere was born, I decided to go for option 3.  

With baby number 2 we where now living in Tacoma, where there are more options.  We had friends who had had a midwife and home birth and enjoyed the experience very much.  ever since I was considering having children I have had the desire to look into a more natural approach to birth.  Now that we lived in an area where midwifes were available I decided to pursue that course of action.  I went straight to the source and asked for recommendations.  But I being very new to the "research of providers", I didn't realize what I was getting myself into.  Miss-communications were made and the end result was not pleasant.   A somewhat emergency  D&C 8 weeks after the baby had died. 

So with those two experiences behind me, the search for the right care previder began.  At first I was only looking at Doctors.  But as the frustration grew I turned to my knees to pray.  This time the desires I first had, a natural birth in a sacred setting came back to me, with the prompting to keep looking.  I went back to the midwife field and found a midwife a hour away who was LDS and every experienced.  I've been with her since I found her, and I've loved the learning experience she has given me.  But she is very pushing, and opinionated and my concern is I'm loosing my voice or the right to choose.  

This is why I am so very grateful to have my friend co-managing my prenatal visits.  I get a double look at my situation.  

Although my midwife is still confident a home birth is safe, I must feel that way too, and I can only feel that way if James feels that way, which to be honest, he isn't too excited for. 

The battle to listen to my heart and my husband's concerns is every raging in my mind.  Not to mention the many unwelcome comments people feel they need to say.  

James' opinion is extremely important to me, yet my feelings are so different from his I don't know where to find the balance.  Thankfully James has been super supportive of this process, and has been patiently letting me work through my thoughts in my own time. For this I'm truly grateful for, I feel like because of the space, and trust James has given me, I have reached further for the Lord's hand in this Journey.  My testimony is growing and I'm learning a lot about my spirit.  

I come from a family of great faith. Whenever I've prayed for an answer and felt lost not knowing what the answer was, I would ask my Mom to pray for me and for some reason the answer would come to me crystal clear. Since I've  been away from home for several years now, I feel I need to know and really know how the spirit speaks to me. For this propose I have stopped asking my mom to pray for me. hee hee hee. It's been a struggle. But with this pregnancy I have truly hungered for the spirit of revelation, and I think I'm finally learning what my Heavenly Father has been trying to teach me. I don't know the end result yet, but I can honestly say I have had joy in the journey. It's been an interesting processes of interviewing Midwifes, Doctors, and Hospitals. And than getting the promptings to go to the Temple. Each time I attend the temple I feel a spirit of peace and know that the Lord is in control. I feel like I need to keep proceeding with my plans but yet be open to new ideas and that the answer will come, line upon line. I'm beginning to feel a strong love for the House of the Lord.

With that said you might have read my previous post about possibly changing care providers due to health reasons.  It's another cross road I wasn't intending on crossing but I guess I get to cross it.  In which direction all go, I don't know.  But I'm sure the Lord is beside me.

I'm starting to learn that I will have fear and faith in my prenatal care, but that won't stop me from having complete faith in the Lord. 

I've been debating weather I should have a Priesthood blessing or not.  I know it's a silly debate, but some parts of me keep saying it doesn't matter, you're fine you don't need a blessing.  That's when I realize I probably do need one.  You know:  when you don't feel like praying, it's probably the time you need to pray.

As I've been debating the Priesthood blessing, my downstairs neighbor who is not LDS came up to me to tell me about her priesthood blessing.  She knows I'm LDS and she knows I send the missionaries downstairs for her all the time.  :)  She was telling me that her friend who is LDS had the missionaries over for a visit, and the missionaries had asked her if she wanted a priesthood blessing.  She said she had never had a blessing before and was kinda nervous but excepted the invitation.  She was excited to share with me her feelings about the experience.  Not sure what to think about it, she said it was a miracle.  Her body was healed and she felt something.  Her sweet testimony reminded me that I too can always benefit for a Priesthood blessing.

So my quest is not over and I may be back again before it's finished by it's not the end result that matters, it the joy in the journey.