my glorious plan

Last week was stressful.  All my doubts and insecurities came rushing through me like a steam engine with no brakes.  I pushed through an emotional week with the help of supportive friends, and James' constant encouragement.  

During the roller coaster of anxiety I told myself that once I made it through this week I'd have a relaxing week before Christmas to really focus on the important things.

Of course Monday rolled around and I woke up with a massive headache and sore throat.  The house a mess and a list of errands to run.  I told myself to just push through the day and I could rest the rest of the week.  We made progress but it was slow and my "to do" list was only half finished as I went to bed that night.

Today I woke up even sicker,  knowing I do best when I rest, I told myself,  I can rest after taking Gwenevere to Gymnastics.  We raced out the door tripping on toys and piles of clothes.

When we returned from Gymnastics my visiting teachers were waiting for me.  Oh how did I forget.  We texted, and planned and replanned so that they could come visit.   Now I was walking into my beyond messy house leading the way for my visiting teachers,  clearing a path to the coach and then clearing off the couch for them to sit.  It wasn't my finest hour.  I was still in my PJs and my kids went into the kitchen searching for food to eat.

We visited for a bit and then they gave me a lesson on "living in the manner of happiness",  Which totally didn't make me feel good.  Then they gave me a plate of cookies and off they went.

I was so angry.  Why, oh why.  This was not the plan.  The plan to was to have everything put together by monday so the house would be pretty when they came and I'd be pretty when they came and all would be well.  I know I should have a testimony of Visiting Teaching,  that somehow it makes us better.  But it sucks.  It makes me feel frustrated and worthless.  I  never feel like the  lesson is for me.  I feel like they are doing their duty and checking off the box.  I hate it.

that being said.  Once they left.  I took my anger and turned it into motivation.  I fed my kids lunch and then helped them clean up the upstairs.  I then let them have quite time while I cleaned the kitchen.

As I was walking downstairs to switch a load of laundry I saw this....

and it hit my like a brick.  I got what I wanted.

I wanted to be present.  to slow down and enjoy the christmas season.  I was getting it all.

Despite my visiting teachers, despite my cold.  despite my messy house and all my imperfections.  My Savior loves me.  He loves me so much he sent me this precious moment when everything was perfect.  And I felt loved.

I just wanted to make sure I remembered this moment.